When the going gets tough, the tough hang on to Jesus!!!

Yes, I was back in school this week!!! I went Tuesday thru Thursday!!! It was great being back!!! I went in between 9:30-11:30, giving me a chance to still get a decent amount of sleep which is quite needful!!!

I'm not sure why, but it just seems this flu just doesn't want to go away!! :(( It's frustrating to say the least. Thankfully ibuprofen usually knocks it for me, but I've had it off and on for at least a month now!! I tried the whole thing of staying home and taking it easy till I thought I was going to go crazy from social life deprivaty!!!:)))) It didn't seem to do much so I decided I may as well get out and do something. The problem is, I still have fever, stomach ache, head ache, sore throat, tight muscles, and I don't know what all else off and on. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine and the next time I don't!!!! I mean sure I can take ibuprofen to knock it, but how long is that going to last and besides it kind of feels like I'm sitting at one place just spinning my wheels. Sick, take something, knocks it ya but doesn't seem like I'm making progress which can get frustrating, and it still feels like the tiredness and irratableness levels go way up much too quickly!!! Please pray that God would grant wisdom and direction as we try to discern what to do... I can't just go on like this forever!!! Especially pray that when I do have bad days, that I would allow God to lift me above the cloud of discouragement and hopelessness!!!! I find it so amazing what prayer can do!!! There are many times when things just are not working out the way I want them to and I must make the choice... ask God to help me find joy despite the circumstance, or I can become discouraged and lock into a 'poor me' frame of mind!!!! Sadly I've done both!!! It brings tears when I think of the times I chose to pray for grace and strength, just giving God the disappointments that come my way and the JOY and PEACE He sends my way!!! It's indescribable!!! Oh, and may I say it doesn't usually take one short little prayer, oh no, it takes many prayers, don't think for one minute that the devil gives up that easy!!! Rather, remember, God's well of grace and strength for me, for you, NEVER runs dry!!! I find that so comforting!!! This week, as you go through out your daily chores, whenever, wherever, and however you are... if you feel the devil pulling you into a downward spiral, just ask God to help you to think positive!!:))) Remember, God hears even the faintest cry for help and He LOVES when His children call out to Him!!!

I've made up my mind.......IT's time to go back to school!!!! I can go hang out with friends and do pretty much anything I want, but.... whenever the thought of going to school is mentioned, well I'm just too sick!!!!! HHHmmm sounds kind of like a mind thing there!!!! I think I've become too lazy, after all who doesn't like just relaxing at home and taking it easy and when fun things show up tear into them????!!!! lol It's time to get my mind off 'me' and 'I'm sick' and do something worthwhile!!! Too much time to think about problems on hand is never good for anyone!!! It's Scary all the things you can make yourself believe if you think about them long enough!!!! Determination MUST resume and I must quit allowing discouraging thoughts harbor in my mind to the point of believing them!!!

*I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Weellll.... it has been said that experience is the best way to learn!!!! Sigh.... definately NOT the fun way!!!!

I was fighting a bit of a flu the begginig of January so instead of going back to school after Christmas vacation like I had planned I took a few weeks off. I enjoyed it a LOT, it gave me time to catch up on a few things that I was behind in here at home and best of all I had time and energy to help my friend with wedding plans!!! I was able enjoyed being at school one afternoon and helping with report cards!!:)

I thought I was doing pretty good as far as getting my sleep and not stressing out too much but obviously not.. :(((!!!! Thinking back over the weekend of the wedding... WOW!!! Somebody, wait, no, LOTS of people must have been praying!!!! Considering the amount of sleep I got with the added 'stress' of the wedding and all I marvel how well I was able to cope.

As I wrote on my last blog, I had planned to go back to school Tuesday, January 25th. I was tired Monday but didn't have much of anything planned other than get some much needed rest. Tuesday morning I woke up and it seemed my movements were a lot worse again!!! I felt a bit feverish so took tylenol. I decided I better not try to go to school but 'my' students were having a skating party so thanks to the help from my sister I was able to go take them hot drinks and a little snack!!!:) Was fun being with them again but I felt completely drained and wore out till we got home. I went to bed early that nigth and slept 10 hours. Wednesday morning I woke up and even after all that sleep I still felt WORE OUT. No going to school that day either. I called my herb doctor and told her how I felt and she felt quite sure it was the flu and told me a few things to take to fight it. I pretty much decided that going to school was not an option for that week. Thursday afternoon I went to my muscle therapist and felt quite encouraged in the fact that she didn't feel like I really needed treatments every week anymore because of how straight I was able to lay!!! She was quite willing to treat me if I still wanted it, so I do plan to keep going as of now since I feel like the treatments still help my muscles loosen up a bit. It was, however still very encouraging to hear that!!! :) By Friday I still wasn't feeling totally well yet and was becoming quite discouraged and tired of just being at home. I wanted some social life!!!! I dont do well at all bein cooped up in the house for about a week!!!! I was feeling alarmingly close to discouragment but thsnkfully after a good chat with one of my friends I felt a little better about everything!!! Thank God for friends!!!!!

Saturday a few of our youth were participating in a volleyball tournament fundraiser in the area. Of course I had been looking forward to going (to watch):). Friday evening I was so tired and had kind of given up the thought of going, much to my dissapointment, but I figured if I stay at home Saturday I would be able to go to church on Sunday. However, God once again intervened with another miracle.... I woke up Saturday morning and felt really good, my movements weren't nearly as bad either!!! So.... I got myself ready and my sister and I went to watch the tournaments!!! Talk about a spirit lifter....social life, hanging out with friends, getting my mind on something other than my problem at hand!!! I was tired but I felt surprisingly well and my movements were not bad at all. I was at church Sunday morning too!!!! ::)))

Specific prayer requests....
* it seems I am having a hard time shaking this flu... its not really all the time or even the same symptoms, but it seems to be affecting my neck movements the most making it hard to get ready to go away.... evenings seem to be better, I am trying to decide if it's just in my head... I don't know... I am struggling a bit with knowing what to do and what not to do. There are quite a few things on my agenda as far as socializing and hanging out with friends and I can pretty easily handle them if I just don't go to school. On the other hand if I would just give up some of the socializing activities I could probably be at school more. I really do want to keep my priorities straight but it can just take me on a real roller coaster and I DON'T like that!!! I know this is just another part of my journey that God is bringing my way and I want to handle it His way, but it is also one of those situations where the devil sees his chance to discourage me by taking me on guilt trips when I decide to stay home from school so I can enjoy the going away and socializing part. It takes much more strength than I have to 'shoo' :) him away but I am so thankful that God does that for me when I cry out to Him!!!!

~God does not give us what we can handle; He helps us handle what we are given!!!!

*Faith*..... daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.

I felt like I had to do just that this past weekend! I was at the church part of Thursday and most of the day Friday. It was lots of fun to actually be there and see things come together.....I think I worked a little too!!!:) Friday evening after rehersal I went over to the gym for supper. I intended to leave in decent time to come home and get at least a little sleep but kinda got hung up. I don't know what time what I got home but I was having lots of pain in my upper back. I took pain killer like I usually do when needed and it usually gives relief but it didn't seem to help a whole lot. :(:( I slept very well which was such a blessing!!! Saturday morning I was up bright and early because I wanted to be at the church around 7:00 to take pictures. I had lots of pain and took pain killer again hoping the pain would subside!!! I managed to get myself ready and got to the church around 7:30. I really didn't know how much I would be able to do. Thannkfully I was able to take pictures and yes the pain was still there but I think doing something and getting my mind off of the pain helped some!!!!:))) A little before the wedding was supposed to start I again took pain killer. One good thing was, since I was a photographer I didn't have to sit, which was nice since sitting often makes things more complicated. I was just around snapping random pictures and having lots of fun too!!! :);) All at once it kinda hit me, I didn't have pain anymore!!!!! WOW! No one but God could work such a miracle!!!!!! My body was definately tensed up more which caused my walking to go down-hill a little. My muscles were pulling my body into a bit of an awkward position making it hard to straighten out. I did however have a few moments where it felt like my body relaxed enough to walk without bracing my head. I LOVE moments like that!!!! I was even able to sit at a table to eat without havung something to lean my head on!!!! I like to think of moments and times like that as 'miracle moments'!!! I strongly believe God allows me to have them as a boost, giving me a will to keep fighting!!!!

As I stated earlier I was side photographer and had lots of fun! :) It is frustrating tho trying to hold still enough to take good pictures when my body insists on wiggling around causing the pictures to be grainy and blurry. I was able to get a few clear pictures but not as many as I wanted. It is very easy to get discouraged and stop trying but I KNOW that would be foolish and only make things worse. Please pray God would help me fight the devil and keep looking up. The many hugs, smiles, and words of encouragment I recieved mean oh so much!!! They remind me that no matter where I go or what I do, as long as I place my hand in God's and allow Him to walk beside me in this journey and show me which way to take when I reach crossroads, I can NEVER go wrong. Not only must I place my hand in His, I place my life, my whole being, my burdens, my cares and worries, my shattered dreams, every broken piece, every frustration.... then and only then can He help me to rise above this mountain and reach for new goals, embrace new dreams and pick up the broken pieces to put them back together!!!

I plan to go back to school tomorrow and am looking forward to it!!!! :);)

May you experience God's grace and peace as you allow Him to walk with you through each moment of your life, be it happy or sad!!! Thanks for praying!

Pleasw pray... I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain in my neck and back!:( Saturday is Mel's wedding and I so bad want to be good for it. God has performed so many miracles in my life and I KNOW He can and will perform yet another,(according to His will) that's just how GREAT our God is!!!! :) I need an extra amount of Faith as I trust He knows what's best and will do what He sees best!!!!

Have a wonderful weekend and NEVER underestimate God's power!!!!

Once again thanks for your prayers on behalf of my neck movements!!! It seems things are getting better again:). As hard as it was to give up school for a couple weeks, it was the best thing for me right now. I've been getting lots of things done that have been on my 'to do list', it feels sooo good!!!:) Please continue to pray that things would continue progressing so I can enjoy the wedding and do my part. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to see an eye doctor as my vision has not been good the last while... I have a hard time seeing things far away and have been dealing with head-ache. I've been on my computer a lot lately and did not always have the best lighting! Especially pray that my head and neck would cooperate. You can also pray that, should I need glasses, that I could find some that I like without too much stress!!!!:))))

I have plans to go out to school Thursday for a while!!! I am looking very forward to it!!!

I would like to request special prayer for my grandpa Beiler. Three years ago in Feb. he was diagnosed with colon cancer. They did surgery and it was quite successful. They were able to get it and he was quite healthy again until this fall. He worked in a pallet shop just down the road from where they live and one evening he was finishing up a few things before going home. I don't know exactly what happened but a pile of pallets feel hard on his leg. It made an extremely nasty cash in his leg and had him laid up for quite some time. He never truly re
gained health again and had quite a bit of pain on his side(not sure if it was right or left). He did see a doctor early fall and the doctor didn't seem to find much, just figured he might have sciatic nerve or something. However things kept progressing and he was experiencing quite a bit of pain. Some of the family was together at Christmas and many of us could tell he just wasn't himself. Monday he met with a cancer doctor to check things out and his body was infested with cancer. The doctor thought the injury to his leg could have triggered it, since his body could no longer focus primarily on fighting the cancer, instead it was also trying to fight infection and so forth in his leg. The biggest decision right now is.... what treatment should he take, he has very much pain (he very rarely complains tho) so they defiantly want to do to something to alleviate that, but since he has it so many different places, is going through chemo really worth it? We don't know, they don't know, its so hard to decide!!!! Dawdy (as we all call him:) is such a positive person, his strength through it all is so amazing. It's VERY VERY hard on mommy and the children. It's also hard on us grandchildren. It hurts to see him this way and the thought of losing him in this way hurts!!!! I know God's grace will be there and already is, although we don't know what the future holds, we do know WHO holds the future and trust he will walk with us.

Well..... what can I say?! As of yesterday it was decided that I take two weeks off of school and focus primarily on getting my medication where it should be. As I wrote before I have been working on coming completely off the clonazepam and using baclofen as a muscle relaxer instead. Clonazepan works through the brain where as baclofen works through the spine. I was looking forward to the switch with hopes that since the medication is no longer working through my brain it wouldn't mess with my brain so much. I was fine with it the first 2 weeks but seemed like it went downhill after that.... last week was not quite so good an this week isn't just the best either. I was able to enjoy the youth news years party, even played volleyball a little, the first time since April....def need practice. oh i guess i played with my students a couple times, but never with the youth (if i recall correctly:))). Having said that....we did decide to get back on the clonazepam hoping it will help the jerky weird movements of my neck..... The good news is that my body has definitely straightened out a bit. I feel that may be because of the baclofen The dip in my right side seems a lot better, def a good sign!!! I declare I got a few inches taller. lol! I can steady my neck fairly well by supporting the back of it with my hand or standing or sitting against something solid like a wall, but pretty much as soon as i am not supporting it it goes hay-wire!!! :(

Probably the hardest thing for me right now is the thought "what if i really would not be well enough to do my part in Mel's wedding. (side photographer) :)." My flesh wants to scream... I can't do this.... why God, it feels so unfair, I was sick at Shari's wedding, must I be sick at Mel's wedding?!!!! Thankfully God's grace screams louder than my feeble fleshly screams. Amidst the confusion and inner turmoil rises a peace much bigger than my any worry or confusion, it amazes, only GOD can do that!!!!

something to think about..... an extract from the book, His Princess....

My Princess... Triumph through Trials
*I see when you are in the garden of grief, My Princess.
I hear your cry for help in the dark hours of the night.
I myself cried out in the garden the night I was betrayed.
In my suffering I asked God for another way-a less painful way.
Yet I trusted His will and purpose for my life and knew the ultimate victory was at the cross. Just as olives must be crushed to make oil, I poured out my life as a love offering. Don't ever doubt that I am with you and that I long to take you to a place of comfort, peace and victory. Even when you cannot see Me from your where you are, I am working on your behalf. Give to me the crushing weight of your circumstances, and come to me in prayer. When it is time to leave the garden, I will walk with you across the valley and straight to the cross- where your trials will be transfer ed to triumph.******
James 1:3-4