yes, yes i know its time to update again....!!!

The past few days hav been really good for me. I was actually sitting on a chair more than laying in bed! In fact wasnt in my hospital bed at all 2 day!!!! Also been spending more time outside too!!! There's something about looking up into the big blue sky with big puffy white clouds that i just LOVE!!!! It makes me feel so close to God! The past few days i have been thinking a lot about ALL the pain and grief in this world! There soooo many people out there who are hurting...my heart just aches when I think of the many people who have no idea what its like to feel the joy and peace God gives to those who allow Him to control their lives!!! I could just cry when I think of all the dear little chilren who don't know wat its like to be loved. I just wish i cud wrap them all up in a big hug!!! I just have to over and over again commit them to my Heavenly Father.

As far as an update... right now we're just kinda waiting. I got the results back from the limes test. I guess they test for three things at the lab in California lab. They said two things they tested for came back negative but it did show that their is an infection in my body. Dad called and wanted to talk to the dr. but they said they can't tell him anything until i give them permission since I'm 18 and considered an adult! I called them and gave them the ok so they had to fax papers that I had to sign... sigh.... such a rig-a-ma-ro =). So dad called and wanted to talk to the dr to find out where the infection is and what his reccomendation would be but oh my no the dr is only available wed. an thurs.!!!! Oh an to complecate things a little more we decided to test for limes the medical way whereas the other one was more on the natural side. We got the results for that back today an it came back clear!!! =) another big sigh.... soooo not sure wats gana happen there.... I do have an appointment with my 'second opinion' doctor the end of the month. Also am scheduled to go to NYC July 9 since they have some of the worlds best doctors when it comes to dealing with dystonia. My 'second opinion' doctor referred us to them an actually got her training there. Believe me i'm so thankful for doctors an all when we need them but me o my will i ever be happy once this is all behind me!!!=)

Having said all that I really do have a lot to be thankful for!!!! There are lots o people out there who have it much worse! An when I think how I was a few weeks ago i realize that some things definatly have improved.!=)

Thanks for all your prayers I don't even want to think of where I would be without prayer. Please continue praying that my walking would improve! I would also like to add a special prayer request for my friend Andrea Wagler who is also facing some health problems.

I really have no idea what God has in mind for my life but I DO know that He has a purpose for this and I want Him to receive ALL the glory!

ok so tonight instead of crying all my blues im going to see how many blessings or day brightners I can think of..... =)
1. i felt pretty good this morning when i woke up (which it is not always that way)
2. i have parents and siblings who will do all they can to make me more comfortable... i luv all of u very much!=)
3. i have sooooo many friends and family who really care about me
4. i was able to enjoy being outside for a while this morning-it was so peacful and quiet i cant really explain it but i luvd it
5. i am able to sit up more instead of always laying in bed
6. my movements are definetly better than they were at one time
7. so far i havn't had any real bad side effects from the medication since i am slowly building up 2 the full amount
8. swallowing the pills seemed to be easier today
9. i still feel pretty good and sleep well
10. i dont hav any real severe pain
11. i know there are people all over this world praying for me =)
12. i am able to be at home instead of laying in a hospital somewhere
13. and MOST IMPORTANT..... i have a Heavenly Father who is always here with me!!!!=)
*** a few of the day brightners from the last couple days
1. last evening my 5 year old cuzin called and her and her sister sang a song that i taught them wen they were here last week----i luv u diane and dericka!
2. my dear little sister picked a pretty pink rose and gave it to me with a note... i luv u carmella
****** those were just a few!!!!=) oh and all the cards, flowers, emails, comment on my blog posts or fb, and text messages! (even got a few texts from my grandpa). it all means more than words could ever say!!!!
~wana add a quote yet....* Prayer is more than a wish-list to God, its a conversation in which we interact with Him!!!!*
Oh and if you want something specific to pray about... pray that my walking would improve

bigger than all the shadows that fall across my path, God is bigger than any mountain that i can or cannot see.... bigger than my confusion, bigger than anything, God is bigger than any mountain that i can or cannot see......bigger than all my problems bigger than all my fears, God is bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see... bigger than all my questions bigger than any thing, God is bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see.... bigger than all the giants of fear and unbelief, God is bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see, bigger than all my hang-ups bigger than anything, God is bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see.... bigger than all my problems, bigger than all my fears, God is bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see.... bigger than all my questions, bigger than anything, God is bigger than any mountains that I can or cannot see.......
- I really like this song and am sooo thankful that God IS bigger than any mountain that I can or cannot see!!! I especially like the phrase where it says 'bigger than my confusion'! Right now I am just so tired of not knowing! It just seems so big and overwhelming! It feels like such a roller-coaster and I just want OFF!!!! Its just soooo confusing. I am so tired of going to the dr., I am tired of laying around, Iam tired of taking tests and waiting for the results, I just want life to be NORMAL again!!
- I am so blessed tho to have so many people who care and most of all I am thankful that I have someone to lean on, Someone who is much bigger than this problem and I am thankful for the peace and joy He gives when I just allow Him to take control.
-Thanks again for all the prayers and encouragment, I know that is the Only thing that keeps me going!

Here is a little paragraph I read out of the book called 'His Princess'
My Princess its ok to cry... I see how hard you try to handle your heart, and I know you want to live a life without heartaches or pain. I'm asking you to take a step closer to your Father in Heaven by crying out to me when you hurt. Let me heal you. Remember, My chosen, King David? He cried out me in his fears, dissapointments, and sin, and I answered. You are also My chosen one, you are My daughter.... so its ok to cry. I don't expect you to pretend pain is not real. It is truth and tears that will give you the freedom that I want you to know. Now let go of that part of your heart that only I can heal. Let your heavenly Daddy hold you while you cry!
-It brought tears to my eyes when I read that! It seems the devil knows when I feel weak and He uses so many things to pull me away from God. It can be so easy just to believe him and allow him to steal my joy and peace! :( But I KNOW that My God is much much bigger and stronger and He will send the devil away if I call out to Him!!! I'm FAR from perfect and God is still working in my life, molding and shaping me to be all he wants me to be, and yes sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts real bad but I know with all my heart He is right beside me no matter where I am and I trust He knows whats best, neither will He allow anything to come my way that He will not walk me thru!!! Please pray that I could hold tightly to His hand wherever He takes me!!! Also pray that when I am temted to do things I shouln't that I would cry out to God for help....especially in my thought life since I have so much time to think! My prayer is that this time of trial will draw me closer to the only one who can truly heal me! ;)

Thanks sooo much everyone for praying!!!! Yes, I was at Shari's wedding and am sooooo glad I went!!! My very dear cuzin Karisa came and took me!! We got there around 11:00. Thanks a ton Karis for takin me and taking such good care of me!!!! Yesterday we took a rocking chair and put it in the back of the church and with that and my neck pillow I was quite comfortable and relaxed. The crutches helped the walking situation. We took my rocking chair down to the reception and I was able to be there the whole time. I really enjoyed it and it was definatly an answer to prayer that I was so relaxed!:) It was fun being around people again but I was pretty tired when we came home. It was soooo totally worth it tho! ~Chris an Shari wana wish you the best!!!!
Dad talked to my doctor again and the MRI came back clear and also the other tests were clear as well. At this point she thinks I have primary dystonia which would be somewhat of a hereditary thing only no one in either sides of the family has anything like it but she said someone has to start it and guess I was the *lucky* or maybe not so lucky one to start it. So it kinda feels like were back to first base. She really wants us to go to New Yok City since they have some of the best doctors that work with dystonia soooo not sure where this could all take us or how long it will go yet.... :( Just pray that I would have patiene as I am sooo very ready for NORMAL life again. It's just so hard not being able to do so many of the 'simple' things in life... like putting my hair up, eating supper at the table, and many more. I am sooo thankful tho that the movements are not nearly as severe altho my walking has not changed much..... Please keep praying and I know you are it encourages me so much how many people told me just today that they are praying!!! Thanks soooo very much!!!
~Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know He holds my hand!!!! :)

Sigh...... I dont really know how to start or what exactly it is that i should write?! I feel just drained.... physically an emotionally!
I have plans of going to the church tomorrow i have no idea how long i will be able to be there or if i will get anything done. I got a pair of crutches tonight and they seem to help my walking some since they give me support. It really tires me out tho to walk much even with them but at least they help a little!!! :) I plan to go to the wedding on Saturday but plans are that tomorrow we will take a rocking chair to the church and put it in a room that has a window so i can relax a bit nnore and still see whats happening! :) My cousin Karisa plans to come and be my 'nurse'. Please pray that I would be able to sit up like that since I am still most comfortable laying and have not really sat in a chair for long periods of time the last 4 weeks or so. Also pray that I could get my hair up ok since that is a big challenge and something I have not done a lot recently...
I am soooo thankful that I can trust God with all these uncertanties!!! I know that I can be assured that He is bigger than any dilema I face and He will do what is best!!! :)

*Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, Its about learning to dance in the rain!*
-I had a pretty good day today. I was in bed most of the day, but I did manage to sit in the chair for a little! :)
-The youth girls plan to sing at Shari's wedding rehearsel on saturday and they came to our place to practice. I definatly enjoyed having them here and it was fun to sing the songs with them and help them practice! Thanks for coming girls! It also made me realize anew what I am missing. I LOVE to sing and my heart just aches for life to be normal again! And yet as I am laying here tears streaming down my face I feel God's presence, I know His heart aches too and He feals my pain. I think He is probably crying with me! I know He is holding me close and I just want to rest in His strong arms because I can't do this by myself!!! I still don't fully understand
his purpose in all of this and maybe I never will. But I do know that I have learned SOOOO much already and even tho the refining process hurts I know it will all be worth it in the end! I want Him to get ALL the glor because there is NO way I could go thru this without Him. I know there are people all over who are praying, I just want you to know that your prayers and encouragment are what's keeping me going!!
-Just a few specific prayer requests......
~that I would have patience thru all this
~that I would be able to be at Shari's wedding on Saturday and that my movements would be calmed and that I could walk so I could enjoy it
~that I could be ok with whatever God has for my future
-A few things to thank God for.......
~that I don't have much pain
~that I can actually find comfortable positions where my body relaxes
~that so far it does not seem to have spread to my legs